Dalawang mahahabang taon ng pawis, luha, tawa, pagod at pagasa; ngunit ngyon kailangan nang isuko ang laban. Ngayon ako naman, sarili ko naman ang aking aalalahanin.

Once upon a time, i wear a 2 colored scrubs. after sometime, i was awarded a 3colored one. Noong mga panahong iyon, akala ko yon ang tinatawag na happiness but then again, i was wrong. Lumipas ang mga buwan unti unti ko nang nararamdaman ang bigat ng lahat. Alam ko naman na walang madaling trabaho, pero minsan naiibsan ang mahirap na trabaho kung gusto mo ito. Tandang tanda ko pa kung gaano ko itinatawid ang mga araw para pumasok, habang iniisip sa likod ng aking mumunting kaisipan, kaylangan kong gumawa ng oras.

Oras.
what keeps me sane? conversation, sleep, food. Good times that i have been deprived but still I find time. Kahit pagod. kahit walang tulog. I really do not know how did I made that happen, Looking back,  that was pretty bad ass.

It has been almost a year since I’ve undon my Scrubsuit.  But nonetheless the Scrubsuit is sewed into my soul.

Wrap Up

Isang buong taon, Mahigit tatlong daan ang bilang non.
Trabaho dito, Meet up don. pero mostly trabaho. madaming namiss,madami din namang na witness.
pero dahil pebrero na, at matagal nang tapos ang 2014, siguro naman kaya ko nang isulat ang nakaraang taon. Kaylangan nang isara at tumuloy sa susunod na kabanata.

365 and 1/4 days.
If I say I am HAPPY for the whole of the year, Im lying. I had my low days, I doubted my self for a few times over the same conundrum, Work. The year is consist of more than three hundred days ( may butal pa nga na 1/4th day, round off nalang natin?) and you can’t be lurking on sadness in the most of it. Its not that you can’t but you shouldn’t. Time is precious to waste and there are more important things you need to ponder upon than regret what has occurred, for instance; Happiness.

Happiness.
It varies from one individual to another.  It might be similar to another’s but there is a defining characteristics. Listen to opinions of those around you, but consider what your heart tells you.Always remember you are responsible of who you will become after making the decision, may it be good or bad. As for me, only when you listen to your own desire (in the expense of no one) you will be truly happy.

Into the books.
Another year has ended,some stories end and some stories are waiting to unfold. Learn what there is to be learned. If you feel you may have missed something, its never too late to review what has happened because you can never be too careful and  if all else fail, atleast you tried.
Another year,another chance, another second another morning.
Isa pang tatlong daan animnapu’t  apat na araw, Isang taong hindi mo alam kung anong sorpresa ang sasalubong sayo. Ang mahalaga, alam mo kung saan ka pupunta. Kung nailigaw ka na, umupo at magisip muna. Dahan dahan, unti unti, makakamit kung ano mang minimithi.

Keep on shining
laters!

[the dawn] part 1: what is lost.

I wanted to scream but I can’t. I wanted to breath but I won’t, when things are getting harder; should I take a step forward, or just lie on my back and let those things fade away. However, it happened so fast I just can’t think that day, now I can’t believe where I am today.

Anyone wouldn’t want to be lying on that bed. Practically isn’t a bed, its an operating table to be exact and as far as I know, I’m dying. My vision is somewhat hazy, it’s as if i am looking down at myself while all those people hastily operate on me just to save my life. It was like all in fast forward, I felt a little light headed – floating even, when the doctor raised something from my body. A bullet. Handed it over to another person and placed into some kind of metal basin. A clink, then i felt being sucked into my own body and out again to the last moment before I end up here.

It was dark, drafty and silent evening walk with my dog, Don, a routine we do for who-knows-how-long. Don always know where to go, on the usual spot in the village square, staring at the starless patch in the sky and spent hours sitting on our favorite bench staring in nothingness. But today it changed, Don was frantic, running even, pulled me towards the path back to our house and before we cross the road until I heard a gunshot.

I was alarmed, I just wanted to go home so we ran. Just a few yards away from my house, i felt a little queasy but still inching towards our door and a few steps more, I fell flat on the pavement. All my warmth fading, the stars seemed to shine to its brightest and my body, it felt numb. My hand gazed its way to my abdomen and only then i found out, I have been shot.

Until the last minute Don was Acting strange, he desperately pulls me towards home but he didn’t succeed so he just barked and barked to the point that it was the last I remembered. Little by little the stars lost their glow and darkness devoured my vision. I felt like crying but no tears came. And for the first time in my life, I was afraid.

Darkness, I think this was the longest time that I have been in one. I can’t say that I’m asleep because I can think and I can roam around. Its infinite but never did I get tired walking in it like I knew the every last millimeter of it, to the point that I felt calm and it melted away the previous vision. Still not finding anything I wandered in this darkness, took turns every now and then until I saw Don.

Don lead me through this labyrinth, we came in to some sort of library with books of no titles but we didn’t stop, we continued to move forward and this library changed into some kind of room. In here I found familiar trinkets; a study table, a pen, some notebooks, a guitar and all of this are mine. There are photographs in here too, but these are life size. A photograph of a Beach house, Don, and a Woman in her mid-20s; She was familiar but I can’t recall who was she. Still we walked until we found a huge stone door, its like 15 feet high like those of a castle. It seemed impossible to open, I looked around to see if there is something to open it but there is none. I lost all hope so i tried to push it open, but just until my hand touched its surface, the Door disappeared and then I woke up.

I lie awake on a real bed this time. Staring at the ceiling still pondering about things I saw and now Its getting weirder. I have been shot hours ago and as it seems, I’m not in any hospital.This room was painted white with shelves filled with books and action figures, It looks like is belonged to a child that left long ago. Without moving  an inch i gazed my eyes on the door, I think of going out to see where am I really, then my dog barked. I leaped out of my bed shocked because he more or less barked in my ear and yet I’m glad!

I knelt down to pet him and I said, “OH Don! I thought I’d never hear you bark again!” He barked and wagged his tail in reply.

“Why do you say so?” said by an unfamiliar voice. I turn around to see who it is. To my surprise it was the Woman i saw in a picture. I didn’t know how to respond because she seemed to know me very well, I can tell it based on how she looks at me and I, I haven’t got a slightest idea who she is and maybe she sensed it.

“My name is Christa and Yes I do understand that you don’t remember me, I dont mind really.” she said brightly.

So that’s Her name. Christa. She was looking at me with her bright blue eyes, it was like saying something to me, but I think I’m just imagining it.

“Uhh, Hi? I’m Lee, where am I?” I uttered shyly while grazing my eyes over the room, then outside the window. It was a very fine sunny day. I don’t know how much I longed for the beach and here it is, Im at a beach front. Somehow it was captivating, It was luring me to go outside and feel the sand and the water beneath my feet.

“I know silly!” she laughingly uttered and added, “Where are you? well its yours to find out! Come! I’m gonna show you something.” She grabbed me by the hand and pulled me towards the door. “Ready?” she asked and turned the door open.

It was bright, so bright and it sucked us out like a wormhole. My feet felt wet and it was sandy, just as I imagined it a while ago. Then the brightness toned down and revealed the sea where gulls are flying around made sounds like they were singing and seashells are scattered everywhere. I was surprised I looked back at the house and back at sea. It was the same beach house. I really don’t know what to believe now, I tried to understand and take it all  in but  I just cant.Then I turned to her, “How did you did that? Whatever you’re doing, stop it… Please.” I nearly cried.

She smiled, but this smile doesn’t feel like she was happy but it isn’t sarcastic at all. It was like she’s sad or more like hopeless, I couldn’t really tell. And as she pulls her smile out, the sun started to set. Everything looked like it was bathed with the color of the sunset, it was warm not physically but it felt like its coming from within. Its inside my heart.

“You really don’t have a clue, don’t you? We’re in here.” she said tapping one finger to my temple then tears started to stream down her face. She took one step towards me, close enough to  give me a hug. Suddenly the beach was gone and we’re inside of an old manor with a grand staircase and that stone door that I saw earlier.

“But how? I don’t know you, I can’t remember!”

“You do. You can see me, therefore you remember. You’ll just have to find me”

“Find you where?”

“You know where you’ll find me… You always do.”

“BUT….” I can’t reason out anymore. Peculiar.

I looked at her believing that I do know her and that everything she says is true, that I know where to find her. I felt certain about finding her even if I don’t have  a clue to begin with, just this old manor. Soon tears started to fall from my eyes, I just wanted to remember but things started to fade. The chandelier, the stairs, the tables, the lights. And then Her, slowly fading to darkness, I reached out to her face and I know she’s real. Now I ended up Where I was before I in the darkness, not alone but with Don, he never left me.

Tears started to fall down my face. I wanted to scream but I can’t. I willed my self to utter a word and as say No, reality came back to my senses. I now sit at a Bus stop a few yards away from home. I sat there, not completely alone but they let me be, watching the break of dawn.

I am Lee, help me find my story.

Something Old. My Keepsake.

Ala Ala.
Eto ung mga bagay na nakaukit, nakaimprenta, nakaburda na sa isip mo maganda man o hindi. Nasasayo na siguro kung paano mo babaliktanawin ito; Para sakin, lahat ng iniwan mong alaala, Maganda, Masaya, Mainit at kaylan man ay HINDING HINDI MALILIMUTAN.

Isang araw dito sa ating mundo, may isang babae na ngalan ay Quintina. Ina ng siyam, byuda at nakatira sa isang kuweba. Nagkaron sya ng maraming apo, 36 ata, at ako ay isa doon. Hindi ko alam kung nagiimagine lang ako na sinabi mo na paborito mo akong apo, pero sana nga ako ung paborito mong apo kasi paborito kitang lola.

CARPORT na walang car.
Lamesa ng Table tennis; mga halaman; puno ng mangga, santol, chesa at kamias; rocking chair at iba pang mga upuan; Imbes na sasakyan, ito ang mga nasa Carport nya. Madalas akong nandito upang mangulit, madalas ko ding napapansin ang isang Mural sa dingding, painting ng sunset. sa pagkakatanda ko 2-3 beses kong tinanong kung sino ang gumawa nito pero hindi nya sinagot, pero tandang tanda ko pa kung gano yon kaganda, Nakakatunaw ng puso sa tuwinang inaalala, hindi ko na nga din alam kung yun ipinabura.

Lungkot at bakit.
October 1, 2014.Kahit wala ka dito, alam ko nasa langit ka; alam kong gustong gusto mong sabihing “itong lintak na to, bakit ka umiiyak.”
umiiyak ako kasi namimiss kita. Namimiss kita na parang ung mural sa carport mo; na kahit pininturahan ng puti, inondoy, pinalitan ng plastic e yoon parin ang nakikita ko, parang ikaw na parati kong naiisip kahit na nagmumukha akong baliw na nangingiti pag iniimagine ko kung pano ka magrereact at kung ano ang sasabihin mo.

Pasensya ka na ha, kung masyadong iyakin ang apo mo, pero gusto lang kitang yakapin ulit, gusto kong marinig ang mga kwento mong paulit ulit, pero tulad nga ng nasa mural, isang lumulubog na araw; lahat ng mgagandang bagay may katapusan at lahat ng katapusan tiyak ay may kasunod na umpisa.

lola-)Paumanhin
Paulitulit na, alam ko. Pero sana’y maintindihan nyo. Madami pa akong gustong sabihin pero sa ngayon ay sakin nalang muna iyon.

Illusyonado

Gusto kong sumulat.
Gusto kong sumulat ng kanta.
Pero hindi tulad ng iba kong sinulat, gusto kong isulat kung sino ako ngayon; Hindi yung sino ako kahapon, o ung tipong gusto ko lang magkwento o ikwento kung ano man ang gusto sakin ipakwento. Ngayon ang gusto ko ako naman; bawal magtago sa likod ng melodiya, pero maaaring magtago ng lihim sa loob nang isang kanta.

Nananaginip ka pa ba? O gising ka na simula ng pinanganak ka. Halika! Upo ka dito, antayin mo ang kanta ko.